For the Women – Valentines Day Then and Now:
Dating vs. married for 20+ years
If you and your husband have been married for quite a while, you may have noticed a change in the way Valentine’s Day is celebrated from when you were dating to how things are after years of marriage.
Well, maybe it’s more than just a little change. In fact, it might be frustrating to you that things have changed so much. It may look like the changes are for the worse over the years. Men, I’m picking on you mostly because you aren’t that into Valentine’s Day. Mostly, you just want the spoils of the holiday and not the romance. Let’s compare how things used to be and how they are now:
Boyfriend thinks about what to get his girlfriend for weeks in advance. His motives are simple – “how to get a night of uninhibited sex,” though he is prepared to tell his girlfriend he loves her on Valentine’s Day. He consults his friends for information about kinds of flowers are most appealing, where to make dinner reservations, and how to move things to the next stage. He waits with anticipation for the moment when his girlfriend will be most willing to drop her guard and “go all the way.” His thinking may be somewhat predatory. He can’t expect her help with this critical moment and he knows it’s all up to him to get it right. This is his idea of romance.
Girlfriend plans with her friends what she will wear on her date, what gift she can expect, and what lingerie she will entice her man with. Every thought and gesture is considered. Endless phone conversations with her mom are necessary. She asks everyone who will offer advice “how should I act?” Her ideas may be a bit juvenile, and she may think of herself as Cinderella going to the ball, but she must wait for her boyfriend to meet her needs. She can’t help him. If he gets it wrong it will be devastating. If he gets it right, there will be a sexual encounter. This is her idea of romance.
20 years later…
Husband is made aware of the holiday at 4:00 pm on Friday by overhearing female co-workers talking about Valentine’s Day plans for the weekend. He Googles “Valentine’s Day gifts” in a cold sweat and wonders if he can still get flowers delivered home so it looks like he thought about the holiday well before last minute.
Wife has already selected the flowers she wants and texts her husband instructions on which website to use and arrangement to buy. She includes the website URL in her text for convenience. She assures him that overnight delivery is possible. She knows what she wants and is confident enough to ask for it. She takes pressure off rather than putting it on her husband. This is a battle she has already won. They share a laugh over the phone when her husband calls her, incredulous and grateful. There is a sense of true intimacy and love, connection, forgiveness and unspoken romance that will get explored when they are alone together and the moment is right.
Natural Intimacy can be so much more profound than our younger ideas of “romance”. Did Disney design your fantasies? So often, women who have been married for many years are angry over what they perceive as “the loss of romance” in their marriage. They fail to realize that their fantasies are outmoded. There is a new type of intimacy they can have and it’s much better, far more suitable for their circumstances and just what they are looking for, if they only understood its value.
What are you looking for?